Crises Of Confidence And Suicide Salarymen

Thus The Weekend

This is how I spent my weekend. Apart from a rather strange interruption that took up half of Saturday, I played a lot of FIFA 09, having a lot of fun with my created pro, who is now the captain of the Republic of Ireland. (After getting only two call-ups, in fact.)

I also did homework. I talked to people and probably mildly offended them when we couldn’t reach points of agreement. By that time, some response for homework had come in and I had apparently done a good job, which I suppose goes in the way of gratification since these group work things are matters of responsibility and positive feedback makes you feel not completely worthless.

Over the two nights, I dreamt of my romance, which has since died, of course, and (since I’m writing this on Sunday night) I think I’ll complete a hat-trick by dreaming of her again tonight.

Meanwhile, I’ve picked up the slack on Singapura and have been trying to find some focal point for it. So far it’s all either been fragments or broad ideas. I need something to anchor it. I’ve yet to find it.

At one point, I went back to some texts I love. I ended up suffering badly because sometimes, when you read something, you become instantly conscious of how terrible what you’re writing is. This is a frequent crisis that shows up every now and then. Sometimes you think no one is doing what you’re doing and you ought to have a good strong case for believing that you’re making something groundbreaking. Other times, you think no one is doing what you’re doing because it’s stupid. After all, none of the masters you (and others) revere do these silly things. You’re alone because you’re the clown in the fancy suit and everyone’s just laughing because that’s what they’re supposed to do.

But I can deal with those crises of confidence. It wouldn’t be the first time, surely.

Also, my sister dropped by yesterday. She took my MGS4 and I took her Uncharted. While this was happening, my PS3 stopped detecting my computer as a media server, which made me a bit sad.

Oh yes, and my dad has stopped working and is on a month of leave.

Of course I did other things, but that ought to give you a rough idea of how the weekend went by. Just like every other weekend. Also quite unlike every other weekend.

I’ve Been Playing

This. [via Armor Games] The term ‘karōshi’ is the one used to describe the sudden deaths of people who are overworked. This usually occurs because of heart failure or some other stress-related consequence.

On the other hand, the music is fantastic, and the last few stages are rather creative.

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Visions And Vanities

Karma

There is this strange, almost karmic coincidence that I always experience. This is the way it happens: death of romance, birth of idea. That’s right. Death of romance, birth of idea.

In some unusual, sudden, and cold way, the lights just got punched out yesterday and I felt extremely alone. Not sad, mind you. Almost not sad at all, in fact. And in recognising things, or perhaps accepting them, I consolidated the broad vision for my writing. Actually, consolidated is probably a terrible choice of word, since it’s all blurry, but I’m convinced that something clicked into place, if that makes sense.

The River happened this way too. In the aftermath of some rather cruel event, I made the biggest connections and conceived some of the most significant elements.

Perhaps in failing to sort myself out, I manage to sort out my stories. Morbid, sure, but that seems to be the way of things.

In any case, I’m just keen on moving things forward for now. The work is my first obligation, my last defence, and my deepest mystery and singular truth. So I’ll stick with it, and see where it takes me.

National Book Award

Here are the finalists. [via The Elegant Variation]

Lonely GTA

I think I’m destined to abandon my GTA IV again, having started up FIFA 09 all the time in these past couple of days. I was supposed to practise, but I’ve found more fun in doing the Be A Pro things and trying to pretend I’m a precocious teenager destined to play some legendary football.

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Sleepy Time Time

Sleep Debt?

I was very sleepy for the whole of yesterday. I have no idea why. When I finally got a seat on the train while I was on my way back home, I tried reading a few more pages of Darkmans, but I started to have double vision. And then I surrendered and just slept on the train (almost missing my stop).

I shouldn’t sit on the train. It always induces drowsiness.

In any case, it’s not like I hadn’t been sleeping enough, so this is something of a minor irritant.

Big Plans!

Which I cannot tell you about! But my long-term writing plans! are doing great! And things are looking so very nice now!

Change Of Pace

I bought FIFA 09 yesterday, having been a long-time Winning Eleven fan. I’ve heard good things so I thought that it might be a good idea to see what’s on the other side of the fence. And besides, they mess up Winning Eleven every now and then, and I’m not sure they’ve got a good idea of the way forward.

Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m sure it’ll be playable. And I’ll go back to Winning Eleven next year if I’m really not satisfied.

School Blues

The worst part of the school experience is not the time when you’re rushing to beat the deadlines. It’s when you know the deadlines are approaching, but for some reason can’t (bring yourself to) do what you’re supposed to be working on. I’m experiencing that now. It’s the sort of thing that makes you tingle with that tiny morsel of dread. Just enough to disturb you and give you bad dreams, but not enough to make you panic and do something useful.

And the exams are coming. Looming over the horizon like evil mythical creatures.

But to be fair, this semester has been rather interesting, with the social dynamics developing a bit given the time we’ve spent together. And I’ve been meeting a couple of new people, so it’s all been interesting.

Long Day

And another long day today. Grr.

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