I’ve been writing. Writing a lot. I’ve written at a faster rate than usual these past days. That may have to do with how I’ve been completing certain sections I’ve had in mind (and completing parts tends to be faster than coming up with them). Or it might be me settling into a good rhythm (I doubt so). Or it might be how I’ve been completing my other work, which would be well and good if it were true. No, I’m not saying that it isn’t true; I just can’t tell sometimes what rate I’ve been completing work at. It’s easy in writing, sure, because there’s kind of a plan, and there’s kind of a word count to measure it by, but try doing that with the diversity that is work outside of writing. Impossible to measure.

(But no, it’s not affected my work in any way, which is brilliant, because I’d always assumed that it would. I’ve also managed to do more work than I’ve done in the weeks prior to this recent productivity boost.)

And I digress.

I wanted to point out some interesting things I’ve realised about my current project. They probably took me a lot longer to realise than I would’ve thought, but I suppose it simply means I’m not very bright.

For one thing, it’s long. I don’t think I’ve ever written anything so long before (by which I mean its prospective completed length). Of course I kind of cheated, and if you looked at its structure, you’ll realise why it ends up being so long, but that’s kind of beside the point, isn’t it?

It’s taking a lot out of me too. I remember the process of writing The River, which was a kind of self-inflicted torture that I thought I would see for the rest of my life as long as I kept on writing. I was deceived into a sense of optimism when writing Bukit Merah. I think it had to do with how it was such a different form, and how it felt as if I wasn’t under any pressure to do anything.

But this one, this is something new. I’m doing new things, trying different things, but let’s just say they’re things that come at some kind of cost. It’s strenuous, but I guess I knew that from Day One. It wasn’t ever going to get any easier. Besides, it’s far from the worst job in the world.

It’s expansive, by which I mean more than its size. I mean more specifically its subject matter, actually. It covers quite a lot of ground and tries to make a Renaissance Man out of me. I’m afraid it’s going to be disappointed, and the end-result may all be quite diluted and shallow. There’s always that fear. There are more pressing fears, but this is one among many, and I’m afraid (in a somewhat ironic way) that we will not go into the subject of fear in the interest of avoiding digression.

I actually have no idea where I’m going. Still. I’ve changed my ideas for the ending three times. I’ve slotted in ideas here and there. I’ve got the general idea down pat, but too many things haven’t figured themselves out yet. I suppose it will work itself out eventually. Who knows, really. I may approach my ending half a year or a year from now and grow painfully aware that I can’t possibly have any ending. Then I will weep and eat Tim Tams. Or something.

It’s about a third done. That’s just a guess. I actually don’t know, but in the interest of giving you something concrete, there.

I found the perfect epigram to open the thing, except that it implies a certain pressure. Well, I don’t reckon that it will matter eventually, so I’m keeping it. I’m so happy to have found it. It was under my nose all along and I feel a bit like a fool for not having noticed in the first place.

Who is going to read this book? Actually, I don’t know. If The River is a rock opera, Bukit Merah a progressive rock adaptation of a folk album, then this current project is an experimental album driven by reckless ambition. It’s weird. It’s enormous. I realise those aren’t the adjectives that will prove most saleable, but it’s a struggle to think of adjectives that don’t have any shameless positive connotations to them.

Oh wait, I deflected my own question. No, I don’t know who will read this book. I might not read it, but I suppose that’s just how it is. You can’t really enjoy anything you create. Do I know anyone who might read it? One or two might take a chance. I guess this doesn’t bode well.

So, there you have it. I’ve just said everything and yet close to nothing about what I’m working on right now. I’ll add that it has partly to do with art, and something to do with myth (as always), but I just really hope that it comes across as a book about people. I’m quite sorry I made you read so much of nothing. I know that’s infuriating. It just makes this seem like a self-indulgent exercise, which it probably is. So I don’t know why I wrote this. I think it’s just useful to consolidate my position a bit, and to understand what I’m dealing with by talking to myself. So, thanks for indulging me.

I hope I don’t get distracted. I’m a long way from home, and it would be really stupid of me to get lost just about now. That said, I probably do plenty of stupid things, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened.

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When I first got back on Steam, I bought the Freedom Force double pack for two bucks, as you know. Ever since then, Steam has been gradually swallowing my lunch money, which is fine because it’s just my lunch money and I don’t actually eat lunch very often.

Since those early days, I’ve bought Far Cry 2, which I’m sure is not a bad game, but I’m really not in the mood for a shooter now. I played about an hour of it, though this is one I swear I’ll be back on in due course.

I’ve bought the Total War pack. I’ve always been interested in the series, but this is one where I wonder if I’ll ever get to. I know that strategy games are a component of my diet, but I wonder if this is the series for me.

I bought Serious Sam HD, because I thought I should have something to exercise my trigger finger with. In what brief time I could afford it, I realised very quickly that it’s actually not an easy game. (Silly me.)

I bought Trine. This has actually so far been my favourite purchase. I’d recommend it to anyone.

Hammerfight. Hmm, I like interesting indie games, and this certainly fits the bill. The fighting feels awfully random to me. I’m sure I’m just not skilled enough and my laptop mouse is just too tiny, but there is definitely the element that I don’t really have very much control over the outcome of the battle, so this has been a little suspect for me. I don’t exactly regret it, and in fact I think I might end up liking it in the future when I take the time to explore it.

I bought the Ben There, Dan That! and Time Gentlemen, Please! pair because I like such games, I’ve just come off a good experience with Machinarium, and I wanted to support them, but I’ve placed them in reserve (I don’t imagine that they’re too long) and am currently enjoying Toki Tori and Bob Came In Pieces. I like the chicken game better than the spaceship one so far, but they’re both charming in their own ways.

And I’m supposed to get back to Mass Effect 2 someday.

Awful

The days continue to be awful, which is why my growing game library is a welcome sight. (It fits nicely into that hour or so that I reserve for such entertainment every day or two.) It’s not school work. It’s so many other things, in a fairly complex issue. Yesterday I spoke to someone and I used the word ‘cost’, and then I realised that I knew inside of me that the fact that I’d used such a word implied that there are things that are going to be irreversible. I’m not sure what they are, and there is a slight sense of dread that I will have to find out.

But otherwise, everything has been pretty much normal.

Editor

Lorin Stein has been named successor to Philip Gourevitch as editor of The Paris Review. [via The Paris Review]

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Here is a randomly arranged list of books bought recently:

• Essays, by George Orwell

The book arrived on Wednesday. It’s the sumptuous Everyman’s edition. I ordered it from the Book Depository, but it arrived somewhat damaged, with a crumped and folded dust jacket. I contacted the representatives and they gave me a very prompt reply. And while I’m sure it wasn’t the simplest thing to arrange, they were certainly able to help. I’m definitely shopping there again.

• Endgame and Act Without Words, by Samuel Beckett

I bought this from the NUS Co-Op, which either sounds like special forces or a chicken habitat depending on how you read it. It was cheap because school prices can usually be a bit better if it’s being used as a textbook.

• More Pricks Than Kicks, by Samuel Beckett

Again I got this from the NUS Co-Op, at half off, in fact. They’re having some kind of clearance sale now. Who would’ve thought I’d be shopping there like it was Kinokuniya?

• Dream Of Fair To Middling Women, by Samuel Beckett

This was found among a mess of books in the MPH store at Raffles City. They’re undergoing renovations soon and have used it as an excuse to get rid of many old copies of books. Actually, now that I think of it, I believe renovations have already started. It’s not in the best condition, but it was cheap and I think minor things like these add character.

• The Tempest, by Billy McShakespeare

Pelican Shakespeare edition.

• Nazi Literature In The Americas, by Roberto Bolaño

I was using this to test if the Book Depository would work well for me, and it did!

• Flowers For Algernon, by Daniel Keyes

Replacement for my old copy, which I’m either giving off or have already given off. This book was part of a reading programme I had in secondary school. It was probably the only book I really enjoyed and it became one of my first true loves.

• The City And The City, by China Miéville

I haven’t read anything by him before. I thought I should try. It hasn’t arrived yet. Probably later today.

• Nocturnes, by Kazuo Ishiguro

Pre-ordered. It’s the tiny paperback edition, also known as the student-on-a-budget edition. It should be coming in under a month.

As you will have noticed, I have been completing the Beckett section of my library with a trio of cheap books. I wasn’t specifically looking for him. It just fell into place that way.

I’m also very happy with my experience with the Book Depository so far.

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I’m a really boring person. It’s just my nature. I write; I read books; I play some games; I enjoy being an armchair football pundit; I don’t garden, cook, play sports (just running). But yesterday, I did something very adventurous. Well, adventurous for me anyway. There was a rush of blood and I just basically ran away as soon as I’d done it like a scared little boy. But at least nothing horrible happened. And it wasn’t illegal. Or even ethically wrong. Whatever you think it is.

I think I’ve used up my adventure quota for the year though. It seems that I’ll never be Indiana Jones. Or the Doctor. Or Philip Marlowe. Whatever the outcome of yesterday’s adventure, though, I’m sort of glad that I did it. And I have to thank a friend for being there, if only just so I could laugh at him…

However, the whole incident has left me a little light-headed. My heart is still skipping beats. So I think I won’t write too much right now.

In the meantime, A.S. Byatt talks about Alice. [via The Guardian]

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Oh new month. How exciting. Flip your calendars.

Monthly Stocktaking

With a new month, of course, comes new goals and objectives and whatnot. February was a good month in terms of work. Sure, the trend is that I’m on a decline in terms of productivity, but that was something I’d expected anyway. I’m doing okay, though this potentially life-changing week will probably have something to say about it. We’ll know more in a week or so, but for now, I can only hope that I won’t react too badly to anything that occurs in the imminent future.

In other words, it’s probably not too wise to make too many plans for the month. The best laid plans and all that.

In the meantime, I do have some other plans, and some of those have to do with my job prospects, so I’m looking into that. I’m also still in the midst of shifting my room, so some things will no doubt be underway soon enough. I have to go to the dentist too.

Of course, school will take place as well, and many things will happen, and we will all grouse and grumble, but it will happen. I’m managing. Not particularly well or particularly poorly, but simply managing.

Awful Days

These days, everything seems to be going wrong. Misaligned. Mussed up in some way that you can’t quite put your finger to. Have you ever experienced that? I think everyone gets things like this every so often, though, not being everyone, I can’t actually be sure. Fairly annoying, nonetheless.

I know that there’s a proper reason for all of it, of course, but I can’t really figure out what it is. It is most frustrating because I don’t mean to alienate anyone, so I try very hard not to, but it doesn’t always work. Is something changing? Some life perspective, some outlook, some character trait, perhaps? I don’t know, but it’s not exactly the most pleasant experience. In the meantime, I’ve put my trust into the things I know best–foolishly or not–whether it be music, art, or humour. I’ll also do everything I can not to offend anyone while I slowly figure things out. I mean, I’ve had more than two decades of civilisation. That has to be the least I can do.

Bookstore

Oh wow. What a lovely place. [via The Book Bench]

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