Journal

Doing-Nothing Days

Hey! You!

Having done my writing for the holidays (I’ve even got it printed and bound for editing), and being more than a little reluctant to dive straight into anything else right now (I’m not keen on going straight into editing and I also don’t think it’s the best time to be touching any new/old-new ideas), I’ve had pretty much nothing specific to do over the past few days. Sure, I packed up some stuff, as I told you. I also assembled a cupboard the following day, a task that reminded me why I don’t usually assemble furniture.

But that couldn’t have lasted four days, of course.

I’ve been busy, uhm, feeling uneasy. I think I just need the work, really. Got round to arranging one outing on Friday, with one of my few remaining friends (not that anything happened to the rest of them, but they’re just not here, or not available), and lunch with my grandparents today (which is really tomorrow since I’m writing this yesterday). Other than that, I’ve been doing a minimal amount of reading (I read most when I go to school, when there are regular bus and train trips), filling up time with TV shows and games (old and new, and I really need to clear up my backlog), helping out a couple of friends, and trying to resist getting started on one or two commitment-intensive things.

and music. Lots of music. I think I’d really be lost without music. Whether on or off work. The current ever-shifting day-to-day playlist tends to have some Tarkio (rediscovering some of the songs has made me want more of this kind of tone/feel in a future Decemberist album) and David Bowie (whom I was very late in discovering because people of my age in these parts apparently don’t listen to very much of him).

What do I really want to do? I don’t know. The last time this happened (after the first draft of The River), I spent my time trying to write short fiction, which yielded one interesting piece, but was otherwise a very forced and uncomfortable affair, although it did succeed (I think) in expending a lot of energy that would otherwise have given birth to some Frankenstein monster of a next project (which I’m fairly sure Bukit Merah is not).

I think one of the things that is causing the daily uneasiness is the wait for a reply. Sure, it’s only one submission. Sure, I’m already expecting rejection. Sure, I should be working on a second submission. But… I keep waiting. I keep thinking that I should, that if I don’t discipline myself, I’ll shatter some important thing and I should then blame it all on myself. Not that I’m in a rush or anything anyway, so I suppose I can just wait. But it is kind of uncomfortable.

Oh well, I think tonight (Tuesday night), I might be starting my new notebook. Which isn’t as I promised, that is, isn’t staying away from any work for the time being, but I can’t take too much more of this, really. I think I’ll do that. Maybe. Hmm.

Edit: I didn’t after all. I watched Fighting Spiders and 康熙来了 on the tube and that took up most of the night. It’s now actually 11p.m. and I think I’m going to bed soon because I’m going for an early run tomorrow… Brr…

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